Things Overheard's topics - tribe.net

Bad luck

2008-08-27T06:13:29Z

I was at the Georgia World Congress Center for a trade show last week and there was a construction crew outside replacing some windows. It was about lunch time so lots of people were standing around eating or smoking and watching these guys. They were replacing thousands of mirrored glass windows. This crew of about ten guys or so were throwing away all of the old mirror windows into this big dumpster and smashing them into bits,...just chucking them in there. It eemed so wastefull, people were just staring...speachless. Then I herd one guy say," Man those guys are gonna have years of bad luck" Then everyone cracked up,

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

At an SCA event...

2008-07-29T04:41:03Z

In the Barony of Allyshia (all of this is kind of unimportant, but might help):

"I'm going to go hang out with the Allyshian women! There was cleavage!"

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

Neighbor's Kids

2008-07-29T03:41:40Z

I was watering the plants and heard kids playing in the next yard.

"Hey - let's play animals! Everyone has to be a different kind of animal!"
"I'm a Cheetah cub!"
"Whaat-EVERRR... I'm a turtle."

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Chatting with Grandpa

2008-07-28T01:41:21Z

16 or 17 yo grandson to his grandfather:

I've seen hobos do more work than you did this morning.

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

At a San Francisco coffee shop

2008-07-28T01:38:06Z

I was in line behind a gabby know-it-all who was spouting factiods in the form of questions: "Do you know where san francisco gets it's water?... (waits for incorrect response) No! It's from Yosemite!" This was obnoxious, but nothing that warrents note here. It was what he said when he got to the counter: "She's not stupid. She's just from New Zealand." She should have that engraved on her tombstone!

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

from a friend on surragate mothers

2008-07-28T01:33:53Z

"Girl are you watching Oprah? She has Lisa Ling on and they are talking about surrogate women in India. Many couples from around the world go to India to find a surrogate. They charge between 3500 - 6500. I guess they outsource to India for everything."

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

I never think of kids drinking coffee

2008-07-28T01:30:54Z

A man and a 6 or 7 year old boy were walking into Starbucks. The child spotted the long line and said, "Aw, shit."

posted in Things Overheard - 11 replies

reverse snobbery?

2008-07-26T00:31:52Z

overheard on a bus; "she is so not alternative she's mundane."

What could this mean? maybe I am old school myself, but it seems that being "alternative" (however you define it) would mean being able to be more accepting. Besides without "mundane" people how could others feel alternative.

posted in Things Overheard - 18 replies

moist

2008-07-18T07:08:15Z

overheard at a bridal shower while the bride was opening her upteenth gift of lotions and bath products,
"You're going to be so moist!"

posted in Things Overheard - 17 replies

"Yeah, I'm like 'Jesus, get out of my pants'"

2008-07-05T07:49:49Z

An EMT was talking about having pants with tons of pockets..

"I keep finding things in my pants. Like this manual."

"Have you found Jesus?" (person she was talking with)

"Yeah, I'm like, Jesus - get out of my pants."

It was particularly funny because she didn't blush until I (evesdropping) started laughing. She had meant to be funny, but she didn't realize the double entendre. When I spoke with her she explained that the last two calls she got were cardiac arrests and the people told her they were going to die and did. Good to know. If I ever have a heart attack, I will not tell the EMT I'm about to die - but I may look for Jesus in her pants.

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

In Seatac airport

2008-06-28T04:49:52Z

A little kid, maybe 5 or 6 running away from his mother in the concourse stops to turn around any yell, "IT'S MY MONEY, AND I NEED IT NOW!".............just like the JG Wentworth commercial.

(someone's been watching too much tv)

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

At the bank

2008-06-24T20:31:55Z

three ladies walking out for lunch...

"if you dont wash your hos they start to smell"

"Oh, I wash them every time!"

I just had to laugh inwardly about that

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

gas prices

2008-06-20T07:15:06Z

On the news today"
"Pump prices continue to rise. In some areas, prices have gotten SO high, people are EVEN cutting back on unnecessary trips!"

posted in Things Overheard - 5 replies

Heard in a movie.....

2008-06-16T18:38:21Z

From the 1990 movie "Postcards from the Edge" "Instant gratification is not fast enough."

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

"No, that's a chick movie I don't want to see that..."

2008-06-15T07:31:25Z

Is what I heard a guy say yesterday. He was talking about "Sex in the City." This morning I saw Matt Lauer on the Today making a point about not wanting to see that movie and that he saw "Indina Jones" It seems like both of them were posturing or image building rather than being real. Are people really that shallow as to judge somebody by which movies they see? Are some men that insecure that they won't be seen in a "chicks movie?"

posted in Things Overheard - 17 replies

"This is totally out of control"

2008-06-12T19:07:44Z

This is frequently heard in many situations. Is it necissarilly always bad for things to be out of control?

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Nighttime Poi practice

2008-06-11T07:40:03Z

Said an observer out of the dark...

"Swing those blue balls like you mean it!"

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

Department of Redundancy Department

2008-05-26T14:02:18Z

Uttered by a co-worker last week: "It was so funny I LOL'd out loud!"

The assimilation of acronyms as meta-words in our vocabularies caused this phenomenon. It's heard most often in references such as "ATM machine" and "PIN number" where the final word of the acronym gets repeated as the object reference.

Language Marches On!

posted in Things Overheard - 12 replies

Overheard by the waitress in th cafe today...

2008-05-26T08:59:57Z

Well we took our five year old to a cafe for a cuppa. He is really into the human body at the moment, that includes how babies are made. At the top of his voice in a lull in conversation he asked:

"So mum how does the sperm join to the egg?"

I gave him a brief answer, and then he pipes up with

"Mum how does the sperm get out of Daddy?"

By this stage our waitress was nearly choking with laughter, I quietly told him it came out of Daddys doodle kind of like wee. With that our budding Doctor was satisfied and continued to drink his milkshake.

posted in Things Overheard - 6 replies

Old School

2008-05-25T17:17:41Z

a 19/20 year old young man, decked out in a Navy uniform tell his coworker as I passed on by "I'm old school, and I think...". I nearly fell over doing a double take.

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Chelsea Clinton

2008-05-22T03:33:16Z

Was overheard talking to her boyfriend, she asked him, " what are you most afraid of?" He replied, "Osama, Obama, & yo mama!"....ay not really,

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

At a symphony at St. Paul's in Oakland this Sunday past

2008-05-19T18:28:01Z

Symphony conductor to audience: "Although your program's are wonderfully detailed about Holst, which I'm sure you can appreciate if you have bothered to open them, and for which I profoundly would like to thank [the second violinist] for her efforts there, I must, as always, get my two cents in."

Consternated woman one row behind me and to my right: "Yes, we know!"

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

From the glow frisbee squad in the dark at the Boonville fairgrounds

2008-05-14T12:47:27Z

"God, I could have used another six inches there!"

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Daddy has to poop

2008-05-10T22:15:39Z

Overheard in the bathroom at work- Daddy has to poop real bad ,just sit still and eat your babies. (man in stall with stroller)

posted in Things Overheard - 5 replies

now thats how you get pinkeye!

2008-05-08T20:02:49Z

in my office this morning....

my supervisor: erik has pinkeye!

coworker: great! now i have to quarantine my nuts*!!!

me: explosive laughter

*refers to the almonds he keeps in a jar on his desk.

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Banana Republican

2008-04-22T20:39:47Z

One of my former High School clients with a learning disability told me that she was working there. Another kid calls Palo Alto, Pally Alto.

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

don't tell the guys

2008-04-09T20:29:40Z

Teacher staff room: male teacher into science speaking to three female English teachers:

"They had a butterfly estuary! It was so beautiful. They looked like leafs on the trees!"

Women: ooh ahhh.

Man on the way out the door: "Well, see you gals later; don't tell the guys I talked about butterflies."

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

Canine Islands???

2008-04-07T14:24:11Z

My wacky mother in law is constantly mispronouncing People, places and things The latest was the up coming trip of her son and his family to the "Canine Islands" after much talk of their plans she paused with a puzzled look and said I don't know why they named it after a dog??

posted in Things Overheard - 9 replies

"bipolar"

2008-04-04T07:57:13Z

The clouds today were low and it was quite cold. A few days ago it was sunny and warm. I overheard this conversation about the weather.

Guy: Crazy weather. It's like bipolar.

Girl: but aren't both poles cold?

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Overheard at McDonalds

2008-03-27T15:41:02Z

While on a long trip home from a family reunion during Christmas, I stopped for lunch at a small town McDonalds. This is what I overheard from a mother and daughter at the table next to me:

Mother - "My neck is sore. Can I borrow that new vibrator you got for Christmas?"

Daughter - "Uh! Mom that's a massager."

Mother - "Yeah! I said that... didn't I?"

Daughter - "Noooo mom. There's a difference."

I was sitting at a table right next them turning my head away so the mother couldn't see me choking back laughter. I felt sorry for her on so many levels.

posted in Things Overheard - 6 replies

Unicorns

2008-03-03T04:40:21Z

My 6 year-old niece was having a discussion with a friend about the existence of male unicorns

Grace: Yes, but are there BOY unicorns?

Sara: There are; but they are pretty and sparkle like girl unicorns.

Grace: Oh, kinda like Zach Efron.

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

Ambition

2008-02-24T19:28:36Z

Man to woman:

"If we weren't such f--- ups, we'd be f---ing rich, you know. You know that, right? We'd be f---in' loaded, baby."

Later:

"How come I have one job and you have three jobs, but I'm the one who works all the time?"

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

a few cubicles down....

2008-02-19T07:47:42Z

coworker 1 (reading from a headline): "boy shoots girl in face for chips!"

coworker 2 (without skipping a beat): "what kind of chips?"

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

Chinese Menu Questionaire

2008-02-17T21:22:05Z

In a kitchen.
A mother: What are you ordering?

The mother's child: I don't know yet. I was thinking about getting the chicken and broccoli special. It comes with rice and an egg roll. Sweettt!

A mother: Well get that then.

The mother's child: Or should I get the beef and broccoli. They have shrimp and broccoli. Umm, I think I'll get the shrimp and broccoli...I don't know. I mean, shrimp should be safer to eat than chicken and beef right?

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

Some political talking head on the radio the other day

2008-01-23T15:39:18Z

"When I'm elected, I'm going to fix the environment by taking it back from this point of no return."

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

Fried Squirrel--yum?

2008-01-22T00:19:41Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj3QAzSWVA4

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

Eating Out

2008-01-16T01:17:29Z

A man and his three sons, ages from 12 to 17 or so, were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. As we came in he was saying to the boys, "I need a menu. I don't know what to order because you're mom's not here."

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

At the Christmas Pageant

2008-01-14T19:27:15Z

Younger boy dressed as a shepherd to older boy dressed as a wise man: "You were a shepherd!"

Older boy: "Yeah, but I'm retired."

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

at a holiday party

2008-01-14T19:03:55Z

two of my friends, giggling to themselves in the corner, I have no idea what or who they were talking about but I heard these words:

hand job security

hehehe

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

I acidentally got drunk

2008-01-14T18:10:15Z

14 year old ESL student giving pet peeve speech in my speech class:

"so the udder day, I accidentally got drunk..."

He went on to say how he was at a party and "20 guys or so" all beat up on him while his friends left. His pet peeve was friends who leave when 20 guys beat you up.

yeah, I hate when that happens.

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

Heard in a store bathroom...

2008-01-14T07:10:10Z

From inside a large stall that a mother and her young daughter went into:

"Mommy! You have a hairy coo-coo!!!", VERY loudly.

And of course, peals of laughter out of every stall afterwards.

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

In a nearby apartment

2007-12-27T19:26:07Z

Staying in the city tonight, can't sleep, then the sounds of lesbian sex start echoing through the concrete canyon..

they just keep going... and going... and going...

I swear the cats make less noise when they're fighting.

posted in Things Overheard - 6 replies

Staying safe and sane over the holidays

2007-12-27T19:24:18Z

"Yeah, I'm going home. . . I've already checked where the AA meetings are."

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

Joys of riding the bus

2007-12-22T19:20:36Z

my boyfriend and I got onto a city bus in the university district the other day, heading downtown. The bus was pretty full and we sat on the tall seats that face the aisle right before the crazy little accordian part of the bus. In the 4 seats that occupy the accordian part were 3 most likely 18 year old freshman boys and 1 poor little japanese girl. I am a constant ease-dropper, and on the bus even more so. The first thing I hear when I sit down comes from this group of kids.

Stupid white boy to Japanese girl: "So, what kind of American music do you like?"
Girl: "Old stuff."
Boy: "Oh you like oldies, like The Beatles.....and The Rolling Stones"

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Yeah, and how about The Who, the Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin?? Obviously this kid had never heard of the British Invasion..

They continue to have pointless babble at the poor girl.....this next comment, I swear to you, is word for word..

Stupid boy: "So have you met any other Japanese friends since you've been in Seattle"
I am assuming the girl nods here and the boy continues with: "Yeah, I really liked The Last Samurai. Tom Cruise wasn't the last samurai, it was that Katsumoto guy."

Yeah, when speaking to Japanese people I love to talk about the cultural movies Tom Cruise has been in.

We got off the bus totally in awe that people are really that retarded on this planet.

posted in Things Overheard - 5 replies

From a friend's blog...

2007-12-21T20:01:38Z

It certainly made me laugh!

http://people.tribe.net/sarah_inc/blog?topicid=f0a6587f-93d1-4bff-88fb-852b1fe94149

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

Overheard by everyone in the pool, I imagine...

2007-12-20T23:09:09Z

I was in the pool with my daughter and other mom's floating their children about. I was talking to a tot's mom when her two (three?) year old son piped up to me,

Boy: "When I touch my penis, my penis gets hard"

Me: "That's not going to change much as you grow up"

Mom: " Yeah, you just won't be announcing it to random people anymore"

posted in Things Overheard - 5 replies

The President

2007-12-16T21:49:52Z

At playground...

Kid 1: I'm the President of the United States!

Kid 2: That means you're a murderer!

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

Steak...

2007-12-16T21:45:15Z

5 year old kid in black shiny mask, walking hand-in-hand with mother through tenderloin, SF:

kid: I'm gonna eat steak EVERY DAY for ever.

mom: you're gonna eat steak?

kid: yup

mom: ...every day?

kid: yup

mom: You're gonna get colon polyps if you eat steak every day.

kid: *baffled expression*

posted in Things Overheard - 5 replies

at the DMV

2007-12-16T21:43:28Z

I was standing at the counter talking to the lady behind the desk when someone's cell phone rings. The girl's phone has a snazzy little tune and she lets it ring for a minute before answering rather loudly. The woman I am dealing with looks up and is trying to get the girl to get off her phone, so she says "Not here, people are disturbing!"

Oh, if she only knew how right she was!

This lady I am pretty sure was from asian decent, english was her second language (which she obviously spoke well enough to have a government job dealing with the public) and then I heard her speak a little spanish to some guy, so you have to admit she was doing pretty well!

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

"He just got out of hospital"

2007-12-16T21:40:35Z

Two parents sitting on the couch, chain smoking, with their little four year old sitting next to them.

"He just got out of hospital after having an upper respiratory infection and asthma - he is always in the hospital for this"

Riiiiggggghhhhtttttt...................

posted in Things Overheard - 7 replies

Cheap Date?

2007-12-15T14:30:15Z

Overheard at an outdoor concert:

Girlfriend: Here's your change (hands boyfriend a dollar).
Boyfriend: A dollar? I thought you were just getting a candy bar.
Girlfriend:. I did. I got a Snickers. It was four dollars.
Boyfriend: Four dollars? For a Snickers? You owe me a blowjob!

This, of course, was loud enough for everyone around to hear.

posted in Things Overheard - 13 replies

fishin

2007-12-15T14:24:01Z

Nasty Walmart bathroom.

Mother and small son can be heard entering:

"I'm going fishin."

"Oh...are you going fishing? Mmm hmmm..."

You know how you repeat what your small child says so they know they are listened to, but you really aren't listening? Might want to listen when you're small son says 'going fishin' in a nasty Walmart bathroom..."

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

over the air waves

2007-12-15T04:45:26Z

the morning talk jocks were running up the list of the 10 wealthiest people in the world and when they got to number one he asked the other guy who he thinks it is.

his response was " the chinese guy that sells lead "

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

The strange things that non-native English speakers say...

2007-12-08T13:00:36Z

I was leading my improv group and in the middle of a game, Cindy, a Swiss national, comes out with this:

C: Oh, who are those people... what's the word I want? Umm... you know those people. Lesbians? They eat people....

Me: You mean cannibals?

C: Yeah!

Me: Cindy, Lesbians do not equal cannibals.

C: Oh.

Me: Really. It's actually pretty easy to tell the difference between the two groups.

C: But lesbians could be cannibals.

Me: Yes, this is true, but when lesbians eat people, they usually don't cook them first.

C: But...

Me: Cindy, say it with me now, Lesbians do not equal cannibals.

C: Lesbians do not equal cannibals. But they still could be cannibals.

Me: You're really not helping yourself here.

And for the rest of the night, lesbians and cannibals and various combinations thereof featured largely in the scenes. I wonder why?

posted in Things Overheard - 12 replies

Just now, in my office

2007-12-06T20:42:54Z

Sitting in corporate hell, the sound of keys being pressed fast and furious, the whips of the soul less product managers cracking,

Someone, in on of the faceless cubicles, is whistling

"put a little love in your heart. And the world will be a better place And the world, will be a better place for you, and me...."

And cracking pitch on the high note.

Raaaaaaad

posted in Things Overheard - 12 replies

At a party

2007-12-02T14:10:06Z

Guest to host:

"Is the chicken in the salad free-range or commercial?"

Puh-leeze.

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

strolling along the avenue...

2007-11-29T04:25:19Z

I was walking next to a woman on her cell phone, telling her friend about how her and her boyfriend drove from Ohio to Birmingham to see his sister, but his siter and her wife/life partner/girlfriend who is involved in multiple polyamorus (sp?) relationships, who had 6 cats!, had gone to Holland, so they decided to stay the night at their place. The house was so disgusting it smelled like cat pee everywhere and when she went to use a towel that was hanging in the bathroom, after her shower she was soaked in cat hair.......

I wanted to continue walking with her to get to the end of this story, but I had to stop at my bus stop to catch my bus. It was amazing all the details I got in just 2 blocks!

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Thanksgiving Praise

2007-11-24T07:20:37Z

Little girl of about 5:

"This turkey is really good; It tastes like chicken!"

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Mexican high school students aquiring English

2007-11-19T14:41:23Z

Question in class:

"What's ADHD?"

Long pause.

I'm about to answer another kid cuts me off...

"Attention Deficit High Definition."

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

Law Firm Ad

2007-11-10T00:27:50Z

"We have an unsurpassed record of fighting for the rights of people with problems."

yeah...those people with problems. problem people.
uh-huh.

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

"You're a moron!"

2007-10-25T21:05:35Z

Observed while sitting in the passenger seat of a pickup truck on a city street during rush hour:

A guy makes a left turn in front of us while on a bicycle and shouts this into his cell-phone. We were heading his way--making a right--(just our luck!) and as we caught up to him, and as we passed him, we noted that he had about four inches of plaid underwear clearly visible from his backside...because geniuses are the guys that wear pants that are either too small or too baggy and don't really care if they flash their plaid clad behind in your face while they pump their bike down busy America rush hour traffic, one hand on the handle bars while shouting "You're a moron!" into their cellphone with the other!

posted in Things Overheard - 6 replies

We need a new moderator...

2007-10-22T21:30:26Z

...who wants the job?

I say: not it!

posted in Things Overheard - 18 replies

Even addicts have mothers...

2007-10-18T04:15:54Z

On the streets of San Francisco, one loud speaking man on his cell phone...

"Oh man, just let that juice flow through that 20-gauge needle and let the fun times go... so, anyhoo... I was talking to my mom just now..."

Yes, the man actually said "Anyhoo..."

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

At the airport...

2007-10-10T18:54:10Z

A lady talking on her cellphone;..."I had a Starbucks decalf and I still fell asleep"...

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

Allergies

2007-10-10T18:52:09Z

Foreign mom on phone at coffee shop:

"I've been having allergy also. Very bad allergy.
Do you think I should get antisemitics?"

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

Excitement in Target

2007-10-07T07:36:26Z

" I'm so excited! I just remembered I need to get s/g to scrub my pots and pans with :) ! "

Woman on cellphone to friend, passing me in an aisle at my local Target

yes, she was genuinely excited about this brainstorm. i wrote it down verbatim.

posted in Things Overheard - 6 replies

Little boy in line with his mom...

2007-10-02T01:50:01Z

said to his mom,.. there was a man in baseball once that had a hernia!

mom; (silence)

boy; his skull popped out of his head and everything!

mom; OK! that's enough!

It sounded so funny at the time,

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

Squid

2007-09-22T18:46:51Z

" I draw these when i'm pretending to work. What i actually do when i'm at work being paid to work is draw squid. "

student to art teacher

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Do what I say

2007-09-22T06:39:37Z

As a woman almost walks into me, looking at a little boy who had tripped on the curb:

"Look where you're going."

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

rocket man

2007-09-17T04:10:58Z

"I'm going to be a first person to launch a model rocket launcher off the moon!"

-my son at lunch

kid cracks me the f- up.

posted in Things Overheard - 12 replies

Blue Box

2007-09-14T03:31:42Z

"I can get you a blue box, but I don't know if it will work with an iPod."

- One man to another late at night on Market @ Sansome

Unfamiliar with ancient technology? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_box

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

you can't

2007-09-13T16:28:34Z

The travel agent to me after I asked her how much a cheap ticket to Madagascar would cost:
"You can't get there. There are no way to get there".

I guess you really have to think twice before you leave the island because once you're off, you're off.

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

The pervasiveness of our culture

2007-09-13T16:13:57Z

Overheard in Swizneyland:

1st faux-Swiss-Gangsta: F*&$ing America. I hate them.
2nd faux-Swiss-Gangsta: Chiza: yeah. I hate everything about them.
1st FSG: They are just killing everyone, I hate them.
2nd FSG: Yeah... (pause while they walk down the street and pull up their trousers) I'm hungry, let's eat.
1st FSG: Macdonald's?
2nd FSG: YEAH!

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

It's a small world after all

2007-09-08T01:40:50Z

"Hey, I was talking to my friend and he saw your brother in Mosul!"

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

TP TMI

2007-08-30T04:40:31Z

As I was walking in to the corner store, a fellow was walking out, with a 4-roll pack of toilet paper under his arm. Apparantly, one of his roommates was walking into the store at the same time.

So Guy #1 says, VERY loudly: Hey dude! This is for ME! Last time I bought a pack, I didn't get to use ANY of it!
Guy #2, wisely, says nothing.
Guy #1, continues, even louder: Yeah! You're gonna hafta buy your own! I'm keeping it in my ROOM!

And I'm thinkin': Man I am so glad I live alone, and don't have to discuss my TP usage in public.

posted in Things Overheard - 9 replies

What you never want to hear at a breakfast table, especially if you're a guy

2007-08-25T03:38:11Z

Overheard in Dublin at a bed & breakfast at the breakfast table between two Amerik'ns.

girl: did you have sex with me last night?

(long pause)

boy: (hesitantly) Yeah, of course.

Girl: Well....????

Boy: uh... what?

Girl: Was it (mumble mumble) good or was (mumble mumble) rough?

Boy: Rough but good (said hopefully)

Girl: Ok, as long as it was good.

Boy: definitely

Girl: (to the B&B owner who was standing there blushing) Can I have some scrambled eggs?

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

Flesh Eating Bacteria

2007-08-23T23:11:06Z

Global warming is going to make flesh eating bacteria more common

courtesy of my resident gamer's social network

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

Is it Daddy's turn yet?

2007-08-10T01:13:15Z

A long time ago when I was a young teen of 17 I was dating a slightly older man who had a five year old daughter. She was the most precious thing. Two of the darndest things I ever heard out of her mouth were:

Scenario: I was dating him and another younger guy at the time and Daddy pulled up at my job with his daughter in tow to pay a visit.

Little Nicky: you coming home with us (insert my name)?
Me: No Nicky, I won't be coming home with you today.
Nicky: What? It's not Daddy's turn?

I was thrown for a loop. Firstly the Dad and I had never discussed being exclusive and thus never discussed whom or how many I was dating. Then it occured to me. Little Nicky was used to hearing "It's Mommies turn to watch you tonight". Whew, close one!

And then this story which made me actually chew the Dad out later when she wasn't in ear shot.

Nicky: (Insert my name), do you like Buzz Wiser?
Me: No Nicky, I don't drink.
Nicky: Do you like Buzz Light?
Me: No Nicky, I'll be right back ok.

Me: George, explain to me why Nicky is askign me about drinking Budweiser and Bud Light? Don't you thin kit is a bit inappropriate that your daughter at five knows exactly what kind of beer you drink?
George: Nope.

I can no longer look at a bottle of Bud/Buzz and not think of little Nicky. Of course I dumped the Dad. but I sure missed that little angel for years to follow.

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

BART springs eternal

2007-08-09T23:52:45Z

Dad and teenaged daughter standing behind me in line at the add-fare machine at Del Norte BART .

She: "Wouldn't it be cheaper to have a car?"
He: "Yeah, I should get an SUV or something"

I almost turned around to explain to them that owning an SUV would, in fact, NOT be cheaper than riding BART, but I decided not to bother.

posted in Things Overheard - 0 replies

At the library

2007-07-31T02:38:37Z

Walking into the library this morning, I was just ahead of two teenaged girls, and one says to the other:

"I don't want to read me no books."

/sighs

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

If only He would provide more

2007-07-30T07:30:17Z

"I thank Jesus for the money I have."

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

padre with balls

2007-07-29T23:20:19Z

the last night of my recent spanish class was a party and I brought my kids. My teacher opened up with random questions. Someone asked something that made him explain that since padre means "father" it's also used to mean priest or more specifically monk. My 10 year old son says outloud, REALLY? "Padre means FATHER? I didn't know that! So the Padres are the fathers?"The students all laughed and as the laughter died down he innocently bursts out: "Monks who hit balls!"

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

At the SF Dyke March

2007-07-27T06:28:35Z

While standing in one of the long lines for the honey pots:

"This is the only time I wish I had a dick!"

posted in Things Overheard - 25 replies

Deaf on a cellphone

2007-07-23T19:29:10Z

Usually one of the several people who had no choice but to overhear us would be the appropriate person to post this here, but since they're not on this list and i was there, here you have it :)

This was probably one of the funniest conversations i've ever been part of in my life:

Normally, people on cell phones don't bother me that much - i often listen in on their conversation for the fun of it anyway.

But recently i was negotiating a slightly complex transaction at the special services desk at home depot, which required two employees because one was a trainee.

6 feet off to my right, a lady came up and stood facing us speaking very loudly into her cell phone.

I literally could not hear the simple questions one cashier was patiently relaying to the other to ask me. So i turned to the other lady and had the following conversation:

Me: Could you turn please so that you aren't talking so loudly in my direction - i can't hear what the cashiers are saying

OL: ( continuing to shout into the phone) I'M DEAF AND CAN'T HEAR WELL

Me: (louder) OK, BUT COULD YOU JUST TURN YOUR HEAD AND FACE ANOTHER DIRECTION

(cashiers and others in line continue to wait patiently)

OL: (continuing loud conversation facing me into phone) I'M DEAF !!

Me: I UNDERSTAND. I'm partially deaf with partial hearing loss in my LEFT ear - i honestly can't hear what's being said by the cashier when you're talking facing my direction.

OL: (making faces and gesticulating, still LOUDLY talking into phone facing me) BUT I'M DEAF !!!

Me: JUST TURN AND FACE ANOTHER DIRECTION!!

OL: (clasps hands dramatically over face, rolling eyes in frustration at not getting usual sympathy) shouting into phone I'M DEAF!!

Me: I KNOW. SO AM I. (attempting to use gestures to convey meaning) COULD YOU TURN AND TALK IN ANOTHER DIRECTION SO THAT I CAN HEAR TO FINISH THIS TRANSACTION

OL: (doesn't see my gestures because she has her hands over her face) continues to shout into phone

(cashiers continuing to wait patiently)

OL: (acts mortally wounded) finally hangs up

Me to cashier: Could you repeat that question please?

posted in Things Overheard - 7 replies

that would just be counter productive

2007-07-21T15:56:07Z

my own recent little gem:
having breakfast with my bf, really really tired.
trying to reassure him that I'm speaking sincerely, but the brain and mouth aren't quite coordinated yet.
attempted to say "I'm not talking shit" -OR- "I'm not blowing sunshine up your ass"...

however...

what comes out:
"I'm not blowing shit up your ass"

I continue talking, not realizing what I've said and he just pauses and bursts out laughing. "Well, I'm glad you're not because that would be really counter productive. plus, pretty gross."

that then became the saying for the rest of the trip .;)

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

What I Like To Hear

2007-07-16T18:10:18Z

At the public library:

Nine or ten year old boy: Mommy, what's the limit on books?
Mom: Uhhh...
Boy: Ten?
Mom: Yes, ten.

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

Water in Cages

2007-07-07T19:46:56Z

my brother took his stepdaughter for a drive, and

each time they passed a fire hydrant, she called them "water in cages"

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

No trashcans in Chicken.

2007-07-03T01:47:47Z

I live and work in Turkey, but I'm staying in Germany for the summer with friends who have a 6-year old daughter, who gets confused about the name of the country, and keeps calling it "Chicken."
I finally gave up today correcting her.
We're walking down the street, and she's like, "What's that orange box?"
And I'm like, "That's a trash can, sweetheart."
"Do they have trash cans in Chicken?"

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Malapropisms, right?

2007-06-25T20:25:17Z

Heard in two different conversations:

"This guy really got under my goat."

"She came unglued at the hinges!"

posted in Things Overheard - 14 replies

'Tis the Season

2007-06-24T16:02:19Z

"Im allergic to monkeys!"

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

church group

2007-06-22T02:29:24Z

I just started volunteering at my church to help the teachers out for 2nd grade church group. Those kids are so needy and random. This one kid kept answering every question about his first communion by reviewing his new favorite movie...which happened to be mythological; Clash of the Titians. It went something like this:

teacher: I would like each of you to say a few things about your first communion last Sunday.

Luke (his true name): I just saw Clash of the Titans, it was really great. I liked the skeletons.

teacher: Oh. Well what about first communion?

Luke: We also saw Hercules. Sedusa (sic) has snakes in her hair. I didn't have cake at church because there was already one at home.

teacher: Luke how did you feel when you took the body of christ?

Luke: I got a tooth pulled yesterday.

teacher: Luke, that's nice, but let's stop talking about the movie and be serious.

Luke: Okay - but could I just say one thing can I?

(teacher is silent)

Luke: The shields they used were...

Answers from other kids:

"I felt good."

"It sort of tasted like a candy I used to eat."

"I had the bread and the blood, except I didn't like the blood because it was bitter."

"It tasted like cardboard."

posted in Things Overheard - 11 replies

Two OLD, black women on the bus...

2007-06-16T04:25:35Z

...were sitting in front of me talking about where they live and the neighbors and such and got to talking about how one of them used to fight with her husband and once thought she had killed him after she hit him on the head with a pipe!
She said he woke up with her standing over him.
I mean these were respectable looking, shalled(sp?), older women.
crazy.

posted in Things Overheard - 8 replies

Overheard at Work

2007-06-13T01:36:41Z

Two women at the copy machine are talking about business trip arrangements:

Boss lady: You need to call that airline back and re-do the tickets. They're advertising the flight for less money now. And make sure they don't screw up the whole itinerary just to get the lower price!

Underling: Ok, I'll call them. Yes, it's so hard to get them to get it right.

Boss lady: Speaks in gibberish imitating an Indian accent

Underling: Yeah, maybe I should try speaking to them in an Indian accent!

Boss lady: Yeah, pretend you're the Dalai Lama!

People think they can't be heard over the copy machine. :-/

posted in Things Overheard - 18 replies

Overheard at work: Mentally disabled outburst on sex

2007-06-12T10:03:40Z

We have mentally and physically disabled people who work for the government that come to dump our trash, dust and vacuum where I work.

We had a new guy today who came in and was addressing one of the military officers, whom he's never met before, and this is what he said from straight out of the blue, with no rhyme or reason:

"I know you're a married man and all, but I just have to say I LOVE that 'Monster's Ball!' (referring to the movie that starred Billy Bob Thornton and Halle Berry). "Yep, I bought the DVD for only one scene. You know the one where they're in Billy Bob's apartment, and he's 'tearin it up?'"

Meanwhile, I'm on the other side of the partition in disbelief that he just said this, but I do have to remember that he's operating from a whole different mindset, one that's not used to the same societal considerations many people have.

The officer just kind of halfheartedly went along with it and hmmphed.

I think it just freaked me out because this was a mentally disabled person saying this, and I sort of always had a sterile view of them as these nice, childlike people and forget that they still must have adult feelings and yearnings; but it's pretty unsettling to hear this vocalized.

It's hard to get across just by telling you what he said, but what was most disturbing is how loud and enthusiastic he got when he said it. And then, when he walked by me and looked at me, I couldn't help feeling scared that he wanted to do the same to me and "tear it up."

posted in Things Overheard - 12 replies

Fighting monsters

2007-06-12T09:49:54Z

At my brother-in-law's birthday party, from a seven year old:

"Mommy, if the monster [in the back yard] eats you, which one of these people is going to take care of me?"

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies

Hello and something I heard ...

2007-06-10T08:09:08Z

Hello my name is Caz and I'm new here, I LOVE listening in on people so this is the PERFECT Tribe for me!

I have a wonderful story that my friend told me about what happened one day at work, told in script format - hope you enjoy it!

Sarah: Craig has just been telling me about the tuna, Laura.

Laura: Oh no! He said that would be our secret!!

Nicola: What’s this about?

Sarah: Well! Apparently when Laura was at university and didn’t have a lot of money to live on she ate a lot of tuna. Which is fair enough.

Laura: I ate tons and tons of it and I got confused.

Sarah: Perhaps you’d like to tell the story, Laura? I’m intrigued to know how your mind worked this one out!

Laura: Well you know how on the tins it says “chicken of the sea”, I didn’t know what that meant!

Nicola: Yes, because it’s the most popular fish, like chicken is the most popular meat.

Laura: And it also says “dolphin friendly”

Nicola: Yes …

Laura: Well I got a bit confused … Sarah, you tell them!

Sarah: Well she seemed to be under the impression that tuna was actually a cut of a dolphin, i.e. a breast of dolphin meat.

(pause)

Laura: Well it’s logical when you think about it!

Nicola: Uh-huh!!

Sarah: More importantly do you understand now?

Laura: It’s a fish isn’t it?

Sarah (laughing): Yes, tuna is a fish.

Laura: Why is it dolphin friendly?

Sarah: Because the tuna nets used to catch dolphins as well, they have changed the way they fish so it no longer catches the dolphins.

Laura: Oh I see!

Sarah: Laura, one more teeny, tiny thing though …

Laura: Yes?

Sarah: Don’t tell Craig anything else like that; you’ll never live it down. And if he promises it will be your little secret, he is lying!

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

Why you gotta lie about my friend Taco Bell like that?!

2007-05-06T23:50:06Z

In Downtown Mt. View, this past Saturday Night

"Call your mom and tell her we're at the Taco Bell!"

As said by one of a group of three barely teenage girls, if that, as one of the girls pulled out a cell-phone...

Hmm...they were over a mile-and-a-half from the nearest known Taco Bell...and headed directly away from it...

posted in Things Overheard - 4 replies

So my student

2007-05-02T00:58:44Z

gave a "spring break" speech today about driving with her family in the car and they hit a cat. They are from from Tijuana. They decided to pull over and when they saw it was dead, they figured it would be more humane to pull it off the road, but none of them wanted to touch it, so brother got the idea to roll the spare tire over it, thinking it would stick to the tire and then they could roll it off on the curb. Like a cartoon. Instead, they just ended up crushing it into the pieces they were trying to spare it from.

posted in Things Overheard - 3 replies

Chjange of plans

2007-04-28T21:48:54Z

" I am no longer going to Amsterdam to see the canals...or to do a ridiculous amount of drugs...I'm now going to clean some guy's apartment in a maid's outfit."

"Oh, how the mighty have fallen"

posted in Things Overheard - 1 reply

Beautiful Piano Music

2007-04-27T20:54:39Z

I was using the bathroom at a party and heard someone start to play the piano out in the living room. Whoever it was was very accomplished and the song was absolutely beautiful!

I came out of the bathroom just as the song had ended and I heard someone ask the pianist, "Was that 'Fur Elise'?" And the pianist, who was very intoxicated, replied, "No, it's fer yo mama" then stumbled away.

posted in Things Overheard - 2 replies